Dear Reader,

I'm writing this after open house at my daughter's new middle school. (She's 10. How did we get here?)

One of her teachers mentioned that parents are welcome to come in and share their own expertise. I spent the ride home thinking about what I'd share. Then it hit me: what I actually teach my daughter isn't something I'd present in a classroom. I share it through myself, every single day.

That's what I want to talk about today. What we model for our kids.

Here's some of what my daughter sees:
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She sees that her mom is an author, a business owner, someone who helps people for a living. Her mom repairs when she acts in a way that impacts their relationship. Her mom is in charge of her own happiness.

Her mom also talks to the animals, is really, really funny, and loves a dance party in the kitchen after dinner; cleanup be damned.

She watches me be honest about my emotions, where they come from, and take full ownership for them.

For better and for worse, she also sees someone who is busy, who doesn't sit down often, and who favors a good night's sleep over staying up late watching a movie. You can call it discipline, or you can call it type A.

When asked what she wants to do when she grows up, my daughter says, "an author and a therapist." And when they say, "like your mom!" she says, "no, she's doing what I already wanted to be doing."

My daughter isn't being modeled a marriage. But she does see me in my relationship, she loves my partner, and she likes what she sees between us. We laugh a lot, love each other out loud through long hugs, thoughtful treatment, and doing our best to live our dream together.

She hears me on the phone with my partner's adult children and listens to the guidance I give them and the conversations we have. His adult kids call us "relationship goals." (It's too sweet, to be honest).

We all model for our kids. All day, every day. Not in the directives we issue, but in the way we move through the world.

And you know this from the other side, because you were once the child watching your own parents. You had feelings about your parents' lives; their choices, the way they moved through the world, or didn't.
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Some of what they modeled, you kept. Some of it, you've spent years unlearning. Some of it showed you how you want to be, and I'd imagine it also showed you how you don't want to be and how you don't want to live.

If infidelity is part of your life right now, I know this one can hit a tender spot. Whatever side you're on, it's the question that keeps parents up at night: what are my kids taking in from all of this?

I've been there too, and here's the truth. They aren't looking for perfection. They're looking to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Then, they're watching how you move through hard things. Whether you're honest about your emotions. Whether you repair. Whether you make decisions or stay stuck. Whether you treat yourself and everyone involved with dignity while you do.

That's the model when it comes to infidelity.​
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I also know this:

The real generational wealth isn't money. It's emotional wellbeing.

I often ask myself what I'm modeling, just to check in with myself. And I also know that later, when she's older, my daughter will realize she was simply raised by a human; flawed in my own ways, like every human. We'll have new conversations then, about how it all shaped her, and I'll show up for her as best I can then, too.

For now, I'm just her "sweet mama". Or the person she yells at on school mornings and tells me to get out of her room.

I'll take it.

So here's my question for you this week: what was modeled for you, and what are you modeling now?

Hit reply and tell me; I read every reply.

Until next week, with all my love and support,
Lauren

P.S. — Every person I've ever worked with who feels stuck in an affair is paralyzed with fear over how it will impact their relationship with their children. The answer lies in doing the work inside yourself that leads you to the version of yourself who can communicate how you feel, trust what you say and do, and live whole again. That work is available right here, when you're ready to begin.​
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