Dear reader,

When unfaithful clients meet with Michelle or me, one of the first things we often hear is this:

"I never thought I'd be that person."

What that statement really means is: I once judged people who did what I've now done.​
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When someone says that, they're making a statement about who they believe they are: their morals, their values, and their sense identity. And, who they believe they aren't.

When we become someone we never thought we'd be, we enter a kind of identity crisis. It assumes we know what "kind" of person would do that thing, and that we know what "kind" of person we are. Separateness. And, great difficulty when that separateness is suddenly gone.

Every time I've told myself I'd never be "that person," it has turned out to be either a deeply humbling experience, or a deeply self-connecting one.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who tries to save their marriage after discovering an affair. I thought I'd walk right out the door, bags in hand, lighting a match on everything behind me. So what kind of person tries to save their marriage after an affair? It turns out that person cares deeply and loves deeply. They are bonded and attached. They believe in making an effort.

I never thought I'd be "divorced." Divorced! Divorced people? Not me. I was allergic to the word. What did it say about someone who was divorced? They must not have tried hard enough. That was for "other" people. Obviously not me. Judgment about the value of an intact marriage was seared into my brain since birth. I still struggle with this, but I've come a long way.

How about plastic surgery? I've had not one, but two rhinoplasties in the past six years. Gasp! Did I ever think I'd be the "kind of person" who went under the knife? Hell to the no. For looks? What? I don't care what I look like.

But when my husband left, I learned what it meant to actually care about myself and live for myself, for the first time. It turned out that in becoming a new person, in giving to myself in new ways, I realized I didn't like the way my nose felt, and it was distracting. And I didn't have to live with something I didn't like. I had choices.

I wanted to free myself from being annoyed at my nose. I wanted that mental energy back. So I had a partial rhinoplasty, lived with it for a few years, and then a year ago I went the rest of the way with a septo-rhinoplasty. Now I can breathe. I never knew this much oxygen was available! Guys seriously, I didn't even know my deviated septum was cramping my oxygen-style so badly. It's incredible.

The surgery was lot to go through, on a scary level where in the weeks after the surgery I often wasn't sure if I'd just done the worst most irreversible thing ever. But in the end, I'm so glad I did it. Judgment be damned, I'm "that person", too -- twice.

Do I still judge? Of course. I'm human. But I try to catch myself and observe.

What is this judgment telling me I'm afraid of? It's usually a projection of a fear.

What does it tell me about how I see myself, and why do I need that story?

There's no way not to be human. Humans judge, love, do shitty things, do wonderful things, hurt each other, hurt ourselves, mess up, and bumble our way through this life until death.

The stories we tell ourselves about "not being that person" have a lot to do with who we feel we need to be in order to be acceptable to ourselves.

That's why this matters so much. When you've become "that person," the most important thing you can do is learn how to love and accept yourself again. You have changed and evolved. You've made choices that turned you into someone you would have judged before.

Humility is the only way. Once we gain some humility, we can stop judging ourselves and beating ourselves up, and offer compassion and curiosity instead.

So the next time you catch yourself judging, or saying, "Oh, I would never," just pause. Maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you would. But does putting distance between yourself and others help you? In my life, it has only set me up for a harder fall from my own pedestal.

Until next week, love yourself. You count.

Love,
Lauren
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P.S. - If you haven't heard, I launched a new private, completely free Masterclass for spouses who are in an affair. You can save your spot right here. ​
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