Dear reader, When unfaithful clients meet with Michelle or me, one of the first things we often hear is this: "I never thought I'd be that person." What that statement really means is: I once judged people who did what I've now done.When someone says that, they're making a statement about who they believe they are: their morals, their values, and their sense identity. And, who they believe they aren't. When we become someone we never thought we'd be, we enter a kind of identity crisis. It...
11 days ago • 3 min read
Dear Reader, Some years ago I read an essay in The New York Times by Amy Sutherland called "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." She had spent time with the trainers who work with dolphins and killer whales... Then, she decided to take her cues from them and praise her husband for all the good things he did, too. A lil' experiment, so to speak. Guess what. Their marriage turned around. A dolphin keeps doing good things because of the praise and the clapping. As Amy praised and...
19 days ago • 2 min read
Dear Reader, A couple of weeks ago I sat down with my life partner, his dearest friends, and their wives for Rosh Hashanah dinner. I’m not Jewish, but he is, and so for the past few years we’ve gathered with his friends to celebrate the Jewish New Year. This year, the Friday of Rosh Hashanah was also 9/11. We usually go to a service in the park for the holiday. Instead, this year, we visited his parents at their home. His father was at the site when the towers came down on 9/11. He was able...
25 days ago • 2 min read
Dear Reader, I'm writing this after open house at my daughter's new middle school. (She's 10. How did we get here?) One of her teachers mentioned that parents are welcome to come in and share their own expertise. I spent the ride home thinking about what I'd share. Then it hit me: what I actually teach my daughter isn't something I'd present in a classroom. I share it through myself, every single day. That's what I want to talk about today. What we model for our kids. Here's some of what my...
about 1 month ago • 3 min read
Dear Reader, If you're in the States, I hope you had a restful and enjoyable Labor Day weekend. This letter is going to be shorter than some, because like most of you, I'm coming off a long weekend and rubbing my eyes asking, "where did summer go?" and "my brain needs to catch up to the calendar."This weekend I spent stepping away from work, enjoying the gorgeous expanse of low tide in the beach community where I live, and asking myself some important deeper questions about how to unlock the...
about 1 month ago • 4 min read
Dear Reader, I’m finally back from my trip to Paris and London. It was a magical time exploring and learning together with my daughter (before she returned home to begin middle school! Yikes! How did we get here?). Time away was so valuable. Sometimes you really need to do something different to experience something different, and to become different yourself. It had me reflecting on what in my life has gotten me from there to here. And I realized there have been two quantum leaps my life has...
about 2 months ago • 4 min read
Dear Reader, I’m writing this from my desk between sessions, thinking about two phrases I hear in my work all the time; and about how only in the unique dynamic of an affair can these two things exist side by side. From unfaithful spouses who feel stuck, I hear: “My affair partner is my best friend.” And yet, in other parts of my work, I often hear the emotional side dismissed entirely: “It was just emotional.” Both can’t be true. An emotional bond can’t be the deepest attachment in someone’s...
about 2 months ago • 4 min read
This week’s letter comes from our Senior Coach, Michelle Leon. Michelle has helped hundreds of our clients, on all sides of an affair, come out changed the other side. Her private work has been praised by clients as "more valuable than any therapy I've ever had" and "worth more in one hour than I achieved in months with someone else." I'm lucky to have her on this team, and every client she's met with would tell you the same. - Lauren Dear Reader, Lauren and I have a lot of clients walk...
2 months ago • 4 min read
Dear Reader, I’m writing this to you in the space between two very full parts of life recently. Behind me are two days of live teaching, directly to therapists, for seven hours each day. Ahead of me are two suitcases that need packing, because next week my daughter and I fly to Paris and London — just the two of us — and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I want to tell you why those two things belong in the same letter. For two days last week, I taught therapists how to walk their...
2 months ago • 3 min read